A Very Politically Incorrect Play For A Sunday by Ellen Ross
Cast of Characters: BFF’s Charlotte, Miranda and Carrie
All the action takes place in Jade Gardens, a fictional Chinese restaurant.
Charlotte: (sweetly) Where have you two been? You are exactly forty-seven seconds late and I will not tolerate such unbridled rudeness.
Carrie: Gosh, it was my fault. I was watching The Pallisers and I didn’t realize…
Charlotte: (sweetly) That Cockney drivel? It’s a million years old. I suppose you unearthed it on Youtube. As usual. For pity sakes, Carrie, it’s 2016. Get an Apple TV. I’m begging you. (She blows air kisses to Miranda.) Hello, darling. You look fabulous. So svelte.
Miranda: (checking her iPhone) Thanks, babe. Look, when the hostess comes to seat us, let me handle it, ok? She’s a tough customer but I know how to talk to her.
Madame Wu comes over bearing menus and smiling. She sees Miranda and immediately scowls.
Madame Wu: You again? Didn’t I tell you no bring pop in here?
Miranda: I know you did, Madame Wu, but I just don’t like your soda. It’s always flat and besides, I must have caffeine free. May we come in? I promise to be discreet.
Madame Wu: (eyeing her suspiciously) Ok. You come in but no keep can on table. You keep can under table where other customers not see. Follow me now.
She leads the way to a booth near a window.
Charlotte: (sweetly) This is unacceptable. I feel a draft.
Miranda: Nope, not here. My back is killing me and I need to sit in a chair.
Madame Wu glowers but she shows them to a different table.
Carrie: Gosh, I don’t like this table. We’re right next to a…
Charlotte: (sweetly) Just sit down. You’re making a scene. She accepts the menus from Madame Wu. Thank you. We will let you know when we are ready to order.
Miranda: (checking her Nexus 6P) I’ve got this covered, girls. I’ll order the appetizers and then we’ll decide about the entrees. They always rush you. If we order everything at once, we will be out of here in ten minutes.
Carrie: Great. I’m starving. I’d like an egg roll and some barbecue pork and…
Charlotte: (sweetly) Really? Egg roll? Pork? I don’t even know who you are.
A sulking, disgruntled waitress comes over.
Sullen Waitress: You ready to order now?
Miranda: (checking her Galaxy Note 5) Yes. We will split an order of edamame and one won ton soup. In three bowls. Hold the wonton. Thank you.
Sullen Waitress: You want tea?
Carrie: Golly, I hate tea. Al hot beverages actually. Could I please have a…
Charlotte: (sweetly) We will be fine with water. Thank you.
Miranda: (texting furiously) Can I have a glass with ice, please? Thank you.
The waitress returns in a nano-second with one glass of ice, one bowl of edamame and three teacups of soup.
Sullen Waitress: You ready order now?
Carrie: I am. I think I’ll have the…
Charlotte: (sweetly) Now yet, Carrie. Must you be such a glutton? I want to discuss something extremely important. As you all know, we are in an election year and Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers are down. What are you going to do about this?
Miranda: (IM’ing a friend) I’m going to host an informal discussion group at my house. Just a few influential friends, PAC’s and some media types.
Charlotte: (sweetly) Sounds good. Carrie? How are you going to mobilize? And please don’t even mention that dreary blog. We are all so over it.
Carrie: Golly, no. I’m going to do something really important this time. I just know it will be a game changer. I’m going to construct an unflattering Ted Cruz crossword puzzle. If that doesn’t affect the presidential race, nothing will.
Sullen Waitress: You order now?
Miranda: (checking her iPad mini) You know what, girls? I feel like Dairy Queen. Who’s with me?
Charlotte: (sweetly) Hmm. Dairy Queen? There’s an idea. I think my new diet program allows for a Cherry Arctic Rush. Alright. Let’s go.
Carrie: Gosh,wait a minute. I’m still hungry and I don’t like D…
Miranda and Charlotte: (simultaneously) Check, please.
Madame Wu: (seething) You no eat entree? You on black list! Never come here again!
Carrie: Wait! Wait! I didn’t get a fortune cookie!
The curtain falls as Madame Wu rips the check off the table and storms away swearing in Mandarin.
Finis.
Ellen (or is that Carrie?), it seems to me that you changed some names to protect the innocent (or guilty?) … I had assumed your favorite Chinese restaurant was Table Tennis (or is that Ping Pong?).
An anonymous friend of mine is, in fact, trying to influence the GOP race through her crossword puzzles. Check out An Embarrassment of Riches, and some of the accompanying commentary. I’m guessing there will be more to come.
P.S. What’s this with CAPTCHAs in Roman numerals?
George, you are truly an insider. I do love Ping Pong and let me state, for the record, that it is NOT the fictional one portrayed here. Thanks for the political puzzle. Let’s hope it changes the world. (And you were right about Tina Fey on SNL last night.)
Ellen, Tina Fey absolutely knocked it out of the ballpark with her Palin impression. Worth staying up for (and I even stayed awake, though barely, for the opening monologue by Ronda Rousey, backed up by Selena Gomez). Is it true that all the rest of NYC shut down, other than SNL?
Yes, she was scary good. So much like SP that she frightened the audience. As to the state of NYC, my guess is yes. Too many allusions to “the only show in town” not to be true.
What a coincidence. I just saw Madame Wu this weekend. She told me about her new menu inspirations. Here’s how the conversation went…
Madame Wu: Glad to see you again. Think you will like new menu items. Named for Chairwoman Clinton.
Me: That’s exiting. What are they?
Madame Wu: First is big hit. I name it Hilary tea…Old bag always in hot water.
Me: Sounds interesting. What else?
Madame Wu: This my new favorite Hillary inspired dish…Dun Sum Lion. But not only idea. I also have Comrade Bernie inspired menu idea.
Me: What’s that one called?
Madame Wu: Skinny Chicken. That all that left when big chicken plucked by government. I thinking of adding side dish of Taxes Toast with Government Pork Rolls to honor both Hillary and Bernie.
Me: Wow Madame Wu. You are really creative with a good sense of humor.
Madame Wu: Thank you. You hear latest Hillary joke?
Me: No. Tell me.
Madame Wu: Why Hilary e-mails like Hillary having affair with waiter? Both get screwed by unprotected server!!
Me: See you next week.
Madame Wu: Maybe not. I might move honorable restaurant to China. Communist government charge less tax than Democrats proposing.
Thanks, Steve. I’m posting this comment under the “equal time” doctrine. I never thought the Chinese restaurant would be such a hot bed of political dissent! 🍜🍚
Seinfeld anyone?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=E1OvVKAga2k&autoplay=1
Thank you, Mitch! Pretty pretty great. 🍚🍜