Sex Tape

True confessions time, Dear Reader.

Somewhere floating around in the ether there exists a certain rather racy video of me and another person- a guy- and well…

Not to put too fine a point on it-

We’re in bed and we’re making out like crazy.

How did this indiscreet movie come to be?  Let’s climb into the Way Back Machine and set the year for 1967.  And the place?  Madison, Wisconsin.

I was a pre-frosh at summer school at the University of Wisconsin.

And even though I had to take two courses- P.E. and Italian as I recall- I was having an absolute blast.

Author’s Note:  If you’ve never seen P.C.U. (based on the political correctness of Wesleyan University) please go watch it.  It’s stupid but really funny and I still find some of the gags relevant to this cautious, squeamish anti-funny time.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s three guys who do. As far back as 2015.

Anyway, my summer school class load was not onerous, my dorm- Allen Hall- was extremely congenial, and my social life was in high gear.

I was seventeen and for the first time in my entire life, I didn’t have to be home by midnight.

I want to linger on this a moment.

My mother was afraid of everything.

Dogs, heights, strangers, airplanes, cabs, pizza delivery guys…yes, pizza delivery guys, and because she was so fearful, I had to suffer a 12:00 a.m. curfew.  At Madison, we were allowed to be out until 11:00 p.m. on weekdays and 1:00 a.m. on weekends.

And though the other gals in my dorm were livid with anger at this curtailment of their civil liberties, I was over the moon with freedom.  Imagine.  I could walk out of the dorm in the morning and not have to report in until 11 p.m. I was in heaven.

These days, of course, curfew of any kind is gone with the wind on every college campus.  No, scratch that.  On a hunch, I just checked the rules at Oral Roberts University.  They still have a 1:00 curfew for freshman.

…Anyway, while I was getting rid of the dreaded mandatory gym credit and minoring in Italian, I was majoring in fun.

And one day, some boy (I can not remember who) told me that for his student film class project, he had decided to a make a “A Man and A Woman” type short.  And would I do him a favor and play “The Girl?”

I was flattered.  AMAAW was one of my favorite movies and I fancied myself as a (très) junior version of Anouk Aimée.

Like I said, I can not remember who this budding Claude LeLouch was.  But I do remember the guy chosen to play my co-star.

Eddie Weber.

I seem to recall that Eddie was from Milwaukee.  And he was a Pi Lam maybe?  Does this ring a bell for anyone?  If you know him, let me hear from you, Dear Readers.

Eddie got on board and the next thing I remember was The Director telling us that the short masterpiece was also to include a tragic car accident (me, I think) and a bed scene.

Ooh là là.

I vaguely recollect lying down on some side street in Madison for the car accident scene.  Claude L. was going to use a lot of jump cuts and creative editing to piece together the montage of my demise.

But I have very clear recollections of Eddie and I rolling around in the sheets together.

No! Not like that.

“The Bed Scene” felt more like this.

We both had our underwear on and I remember that as we were rolling and rolling around the borrowed bed, right in the middle of our fake throes of passion, Eddie kept pulling the sheets UP.

What a gent.

We did that scene a few times before The Director was satisfied that he had produced a masterpiece.

I promptly forgot all about it until the end of summer when we were invited to a screening in Film Class.


I immediately covered my eyes.  I couldn’t bear to watch.

As the audience hooted and hollered and called for “More!” I wanted to sink through the floor.

I think we got a giant round of applause and I hope The Director went on to fame and fortune in Hollywood.

I was mortally embarrassed.

But if any of you can lay your hands on my screen debut…

I wouldn’t mind taking a peek.

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14 Responses to Sex Tape

  1. Hilarious – as always E. Your adventures continue to entertain all of your Dear Readers.

    • Ellen Ross says:

      Thanks, my friend. I’m just hoping someone knows Eddie Weber. I think he lives in the Chicago area. I wonder what he remembers. Ah, the follies of youth..😘

  2. Mitchell Klein says:

    Who knew, ER, you could have become the female Phil Tobias aka Paul Thomas

  3. Bernard kerman says:

    I was in my dorm room when all of a sudden there was a loud, continuous banging on my door at 2 in the morning.
    Finally I had to let her out!!!

  4. David Brode says:

    Good spirit, Ellen! I’ve got this closet full of well-used tapes. Let me look around…

    • Ellen Ross says:

      Thanks, David. If you find it, please don’t leak it to the media before I have a chance to monetize it. 😊🎬🎥

      • David Brode says:

        No luck finding the tape nor Kristin Scott Thomas — w/ that quinella + a plunging stock market it’s been a rough week for justice….

        • Ellen Ross says:

          I’m so disappointed about everything. No tape, no Kristin and the stock market- 😭. Hang in there, my friend. And may I suggest another viewing of “Four Weddings and a Funeral” to cheer you up?

  5. Susan Alexander says:

    Ellen, I completely related to the curfew at college vs the one at home. In high school, I was allowed out one night on the weekend and had to be home by midnight, no later. I wasn’t allowed to go out during the week so the exceptions to this last rule consisted of telling my parents I had to go to the library. Of course, I often ended up with friends at Richard’s Drive In instead of the library. The fib always worked but I had to be home 15 minutes after the library closed. I learned not to be late any night I was out because being late meant spending weeks and weeks at home with my parents until I’d proven to be mature enough to go out and be home on time again. So, when I got to college and learned about the 11:00 curfew on week day nights and the 1:00 a.m. curfew on the weekend nights, it was like “manna from heaven.” I never broke the curfew at college as some girls did because I was so thrilled with how much more freedom I had at college than home.

    What was ironic at the time I went to college, girls could drink at age 18 but had to live in the dorm until they were 24 unless they lived in a sorority house or were married. Boys couldn’t drink but could live where they wanted and had no hours if they lived in a dorm. The drinking age changed from 18 to 21 for girls when I turned 19 and we weren’t grand parented in either. What a joke that was after being allowed to drink for a year.

    As for your tape, I will keep a look out for it . Maybe Eddie Weber has a copy of it. You were a brave volunteer for making the tape in the first place, including the death and love scenes. It sounds like it was fun. I’d love to see the tape, too. 😊

    • Ellen Ross says:

      Susan- were we separated at birth? I could have sent in this comment- including the parental strictures- verbatim.
      It’s a shame I never thought of the “Richard’s Drive In” ruse. You obviously much smarter than I am. And yes, making the movie was fun. Eddie and I were a big hit fur about ten minutes. Thanks, my smarter long lost twin.

  6. Susan Alexander says:

    Ellen, I wouldn’t say I’m smarter than you are. I may have been just be more cleverly deceitful than you were in high school. I’m not sure I should be proud of this, though. I found out later my oldest brother used the same excuse to get out of the house on school nights but I forgot to ask him where he went. Likely some girl’s house….

    Yes, both our parents had us on a tight leash, didn’t they…. It would have been better if they had loosened it a bit, step by step, as we went though high school. I think it a looser leash by our senior year would have better prepared us for all the freedom we had in college. I’m not sure I could have handled a long leash, though. I wonder how long of a leash either one of us could have handled.

    I never figured out whether my parents’ strictness was their fear I would do something really naughty or some harm would come to me when I was out in the evening, or both. I think my mother was often in conflict with herself because she wanted me to be popular but had some inner fears about my safety and/or ability to follow the rules when I was out for the evening.

    When one of my friends was grounded for a week or two in high school and was allowed to go out again, one of her parents’ stipulations for the next couple weeks was she had to go with me. Her parents knew how strict my parents were. Years later, I heard her tell a friend, “We always enjoyed having Susan with us when she was allowed out.”

    Like you, I’m amazed at the similarities in our life. It’s too bad we weren’t in the same class and schools growing up. It wasn’t a long bike ride between our two houses.

    I hope you’re enjoying all the snow. Stay safe…..

    • Ellen Ross says:

      The only thing my curfew did was to gurantee that my current boyfriend would have to race at 80 mph to get me home before midnight. Stupid- and truly dangerous. “Rules” and “leashes” have to be internalized not enforced out of- in my mother’s case- sheer paranoia and phobias. Of course, I wanted my children to be safe. I entrusted them to use their good judgement. Sometimes they did and sometimes I bet we all just got lucky. Everyone seems to have grown up responsible- not fearful.
      Hope to meet up with you sometime. I’m ready to snowmobile over to your house now. Thanks, Susan.

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